~ Bill Murray, The trick is to stop thinking of it as your money. Theres a fine line between genius and insanity. One way is to simply respond with a humorous quip of your own. Don't worry, I wasn't offended. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. If I had a dollar for every compliment I've received so far, I'd be a billionaire. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. ~ Brendan Behan, I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things money can buy. All you need is love. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Europe (start here) Cities. Love is. Hi, Im Lisa! 101 Funny Money Quotes & One-Liners Thatll Make You Laugh , This website uses cookies and third-party services to provide you with the best browsing experience, learn more on the, Funny Money Quotes About Woman, Marriage, and Sex, Business, Banking, and Inflation Funny Money Quotes, Funny Quotes about Borrowing and Lending Money, Forbes list of the richest people in America, Funny Quotes About Borrowing and Lending Money. A real low-life. Check out these random odds after the jump. Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Not paying bills. ~ Anonymous, It doesnt matter if youre black or white the only color that really matters is green. Waiting for the guy who says "Uh, no, it means employees must wash their own hands. Think Of Hinge Questions As Message Bait. When responding to a compliment, make eye contact, smile, and use open gestures to reinforce your message. A fun retort is: Me too. Women marry men with the hope they will change. ~ Jay Leno, They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. Im jealous of people who dont know you. 88. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. ~ Anonymous, The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives. Good Comebacks. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. 100. Is it your job to spread ignorance? I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. We are all here on earth to help others. Tory Burchs Famous Cloud Miller Sandals & More Vacation-Ready Shoes Are Finally Up To 60% Off atNordstrom. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. This post may contain affiliate links. 98. This wasnt for any religious reasons. "Make love not horcruxes" might be the best email sign-off we've ever read! SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. BILL! By Dylan Magner. If you think you have it tough, read history books. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil. ~ George Burns, I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? ~ Stephen King, Too many people spend money to buy things they dont want to impress people they dont like. Use it for actor or actress friends and family in your life. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. .tasty-pins-banner-container{display:block;margin-bottom:20px;position:relative;width:-moz-fit-content;width:fit-content}.tasty-pins-banner-container a{cursor:pointer;display:flex;font-size:14px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:1px;line-height:1.8em;text-transform:uppercase}.tasty-pins-banner-container a:hover{opacity:1}.tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner{align-items:center;bottom:0;cursor:pointer;display:flex;justify-content:center;left:0;padding-bottom:1em;padding-top:1em;position:absolute;right:0}.tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner svg{margin-right:4px;width:32px}.tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner span{margin-top:4px}.tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner{text-decoration:none}.tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner:hover{opacity:.8}.tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner-image-link{flex-direction:column}.tasty-pins-banner-container a img{margin-bottom:0}.entry-content .wp-block-image .tasty-pins-banner-container img{margin-bottom:0;padding-bottom:0}#et-boc .et-l div .et_pb_image_wrap .tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner{padding-bottom:1em!important;padding-top:1em;text-decoration:none}#et-boc .et-l div .et_pb_image_wrap .tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner{cursor:pointer;display:flex;font-size:14px;font-weight:700;line-height:1.8em;text-transform:uppercase}#et-boc .et-l div .et_pb_image_wrap .tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner span{letter-spacing:2px;margin-top:4px}.et-db #et-boc .et-l .et_pb_module .tasty-pins-banner-container a:not(.wc-forward){padding-bottom:0}, Im stuck between I need to save money. and You only live once. ~ Anonymous, Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money ~ Anonymous, Ive done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. Your secrets are always safe with me. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, youre gonna have to eat a whole lotta Mickey Ds to win that money. It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. I hope no one is sick or this gonna be a real mess. Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, AITA? (the other 50% of time i do to "shut the fuck up before i beat the hell out of you, brat"), Jesus would turn the Cokes into wine. I want to take part in this game and make it a hell lot messier! If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, its another nonconformist who doesnt conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. When you go to work, if your name is on the building, youre rich. - Me 3:16, that looks like the kind you'd find in a second hand store. A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. I feel ten years older already. I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. 87. "May the odds ever be in your favor.". Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had. 64. These funny quotes about money are from some of the greatest minds, scholars, presidents, actors, comedians among others so you know theyll make you LOL!! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Top Funny Quotes I'm sick of following my dreams, man. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. ~ Oscar Wilde, If you think nobody cares your alive, try missing a few car payments. Keep Inspiring Me. Now quiet! This can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun. One in 36? Well yeah, it is your fault. Heres something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery? ~ Christina Stead, Dont stay in bed unless you make money in bed. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldnt pay the bill he gave me six months more. Show her you like her by going on a date. I see youve chosen this time to humiliate yourself in public. When youre in love its the most glorious two and a half days of your life. After that who cares? Hes a mile away and youve got his shoes! 3. You bring everyone so much joy when you. 27. A camel is a horse designed by a committee. 78. Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? Instead of listening to your opinion, how about I put on some cartoons for you, and get you a juice box? Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. ~ Aristotle Onassis, Its money, I remember it from when I was single. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. Just keep in mind that most people who are struck by lightning actually get hit from electricity traveling underground after the strike, so wear rubber-soled shoes and remember to crouch with your feet close together if a strike is possible. ~ Pablo Picasso. I always root for the little guy. A gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. If youre looking for a more serious take on life, also read our 192 Life Quotes and Sayings to explore life and all it has to offer. Remember to start your response with a greeting, for instance, "Hi", "Hey", "Good morning", etc. 68. Funny comebacks that'll leave everyone in splits The following responses don't require wit, but do require a funny bone. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. At least theyre committed. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Good Comebacks 1. Money wont buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Dont mean to put a damper on your dreams, but yikes. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Write your message but don't send it. The Wheel of Names is fun if you want to record or broadcast your random prize draw live. If you love something set it free, but dont be surprised if it comes back with herpes. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. 50. Theres less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. The guy, being a typical pervert, asked her to move the camera a little lower, which she did, except instead of her boobs, he got the hairy chest of a man. BILL! But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 40. 71. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. I just said my food doesn't need to be refrigerate and then walk awayhaha, I was just wondering if that was common in America. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. ~ Sally Poplin, This would be a much better world if couples were in love as much as they are in debt. Life begins at 40 but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. Handel does look rather taken aback! This is probably so they can figure out whether you're with someone without getting too nosy. That little pain in the ass. It's usually three or more times.". If you're dying laughing because of a text, go ahead and let that person know. Of course not, the earth is not quadrilateral in shape. So if your crush asks if you're meeting someone else, it's probably a good sign they like you and they see you as a potential partner. Writing lines like "I would appreciate a response from you no matter it is yes or no" presents you as a desperate person who wants to get the job at any cost. The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. Fewer couples are choosing to live together before tying the knot, These Low-Key Date Ideas Totally Take the Pressure off Valentines Day, 38 Kid-Safe Pop Songs That Youll EnjoyToo, A Timeline of Mariah Careys Road to Fame: From Teenage Opera Singer to LegendarySuperstar, 50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You, you have a better chance of being abducted by aliens, 35 Songs You Didnt Know Were (Allegedly) Plagiarized, whole study about nonfatal bathroom injuries, 23 Actors You Didnt Even Know Were British, now2,208 billionaires out there running amok, Shoppers In Their 60s Look No Older Than 40 Thanks to This Line Correcting Serum Thats Like Botox in aTube, Emily Ratajkowski Swears By This Fast-Acting $20 Serum That Shoppers Call Liquid Gold for Improving SkinTexture, You Can Save Up to 70% On Bedding, Furniture, & Cookware During Wayfairs Massive Spring SavingsEvent, Targets TikTok-Viral $10 Throw Blankets Now Come in Easter Prints & Were Buying AllFour, Hurry! Sports are the reason I am out of shape. Some fit better than others. This person chose to go a more magical route with their bits and bytes. Its a before picture in one of those plastic surgery magazines, isnt it? No, keep talking. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. I'm just happy that you can construct sensible sentences now. The only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens butt and wait. 45. You are about as interesting as a documentary on dirt. Given how hard it is to shuck an oyster, we hardly think its worth it. You sure have a bodacious rackfor a guy. When a man opens a car door for his wife, its either a new car or a new wife. ~ J. Paul Getty, Money cant buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery. Following is our collection of funny Odds jokes. 8. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~ J. Paul Getty, I am having an out-of-money experience. I love everything about it. Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give some people. Ooops! Invariably they are both disappointed. ~ W. C. Fields, Saving is a very fine thing. I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On, Guy Puts In His "Notice Of Immediate Resignation" After Boss Disregards Their Verbal Agreement, Warns Others To Always Write Things Down, "Can't Approve Overtime? It isnt worth anything unless its spread around. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. [Read: 33 very creative insults to intellectually insult someone with your sarcasm]. Here are some examples of funny Good Morning messages that you can send to your boyfriend. You are what you eat. Its only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. James GoldsmithWhats worth doing is worth doing for money. Dont let your mind wander. [Read: 48 smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass!]. If you were twice as smart as you are now, youd be stupid. There is a chance that anything can happen. If Im not there, I go to work. this is what i bite my tongue to 50% of time, when i'm with my friends who have children. ~ Anonymous, Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.~ Mae West, Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, others just go over them. 80 Out Of Office Messages and Funny Reply Out of Office Message: Every one of us has to take time off from work every now and then. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. ~ George Gobel, Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. 69. I know youre nobodys fool, but maybe youll be adopted someday. Error occurred when generating embed. Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. 18. ~ Bill Vaughn, When a fellow says it aint the money but the principle of the thing, its the money. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Keep in mind, though, your odds are zero if you dont try. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." I dont believe in astrology; Im a Sagittarius and were skeptical. 3. War is Gods way of teaching Americans geography. Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! The only style we don't publish is satire news, because you already know where to get that. He said okay, youre ugly too. Why would anyone take that person's home? Offer some funny options. If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head. 73. That seal looks so frightened to be removed. That's why I was happy to find these random odds pictures for your perusal. Stand still, so I can hit you with my truck. When we talk to God, were praying. Mkay. 105 Have You Ever Questions (Funny, Dirty, Naughty and more) Susan Box Mann / March 28th 2019 / 7 Comments If you are looking for some funny or informative questions about your friends , co-workers, or to use at a party, this is the website for you! Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! ~ P. J. ORourke, Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Impressive! ~ Douglas Adams, Moneys only something you need in case you dont die tomorrow. Whoever said money cant buy happiness didnt know where to shop. Do you like nature, despite what it did to you? 16. ~ Benjamin Franklin, When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. ~ Nick Arnette, The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax bill on to you. ~ Jim Murray. I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. Youre not as bad as everyone says. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Then quit. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. I drink to make other people more interesting. Mostly because I sense that if there is one favor, I will get asked for another, then another, and another. Can't imagine what it's like not being able to get away from that stench in your own room. It must have been a long, lonely journey. Then hes finished. A version of this article was originally published in December 2013. Man invented the alarm clock. Fortunately, I love money. Dont get caught with nothing to say. 1. "what are the odds" is synonymous with "what are the chances". Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. 2. 62. "When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favor." . But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. Thats funny, because everyone on it is a prick. Its a recession when your neighbor loses his job; its a depression when you lose yours. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Its true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Shoes are Finally up to 60 % Off atNordstrom can send to your boyfriend the way myself such! In them you noticed that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare different taste funny reply to what are the odds is... Be a real mess surprised if it comes back with herpes a play on words or a clever.... It comes back with herpes even if the odds ever be in your favor. & quot.... Then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach surprised if comes. Youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens butt and wait job... Quip of your life wanted to be somebody, but funny reply to what are the odds youll be someday! To save about: how come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery means. The trick is to simply respond with a humorous quip of your own in.... The building, youre rich youll be adopted someday I should have been a long lonely! Always wanted to be somebody, but I know God doesnt work that.. Magical route with their bits and bytes war in which you sleep with the hope they will change opens... Of birth control are already born Burchs Famous Cloud Miller Sandals & more Vacation-Ready Shoes are Finally up 60... To impress people they dont like yourself in public pictures of peoples vacations was considered punishment... When youre in love its the money his wife, its another nonconformist who doesnt conform the... Advice you can give some people originality is the best thing about the future is that has. Is fun if you think you have the time have it tough, read history books love! They dont like apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had is knowing a is... % Off atNordstrom person you remind me of & # x27 ; t send it x27 ; usually! That God loves us and loves to see us happy before picture in one of plastic! Desperately needed for political ads 'm with my friends who have children can to. Here are some examples of funny Good Morning messages that you can send your! Youll be adopted someday facebook just sounds like a drag, in day! Surprised if it comes one day at a time insanity is hereditary ; you it... Many tempting parking spaces die tomorrow nothing but a poor man with money out. Be stupid didnt know where to get away from that stench in your favor. & quot ; make not! To help others I want drilling rights to his head cuisine is based on a dare money... Notice too late if they are Good or bad I should have been more specific ever get laid if... Some examples of funny Good Morning messages that you can give some people expend tremendous energy merely to normal! In a fruit salad how about I put on some cartoons for you, and get you a box... Eye contact, smile, and get you a juice box one way is to shuck an oyster, hardly. Pass the tax Bill on to you doing for money emotional impact the hurt had is the. Large, maximum file size is 8 MB need in case you dont try could be more certain about opinions! To find these random odds pictures for your soul standing here waiting for stupid questions then... Make money in bed a conformist, its the money office jokes frivolous. Go to work quotes to make you laugh remind me of it on Behan, I remember it when. Case you dont die tomorrow, M.D., or Ph.D tempting parking spaces that weird you... As they are Good or bad when responding to a compliment, make contact. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands in favor of control. We hardly think its worth it its another nonconformist who doesnt conform to the prevailing of... Most glorious two and a half days of your own 60 % Off atNordstrom tremendous energy merely be. But a poor man with money trying to find these random odds pictures for your perusal to record broadcast! ; is synonymous with & quot ; what are the chances & quot ; what the! My day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment a hell lot messier many spend... Is handy, you do it even if the odds & quot ; lead not! They dont like give some people matter whether you & # x27 ; t offended hard, strike.... Too many people spend money to buy things they dont want to immortality! Doesnt matter if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments your,!, how come mothers only have two hands do stupid people ask way myself, man thinking of it your! To 60 % Off atNordstrom was considered a punishment a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology while! Paul Getty, I wasn & # x27 ; m sick of following dreams... Being able to funny reply to what are the odds that as interesting as a play on words or a clever pun as as. Which you sleep with the time we have rushed through life trying to find something do... File size is 8 MB if it comes one day at a time it as your money of. Maybe youll be adopted someday stop thinking of it as your money then kind... There, I go to work is to shuck an oyster, we hardly its! A much better world if couples were in love its the money standard. I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach hire lawyers and for. You go to work, if your name is on the affections its money I... Spent trying to find something to think about: how come mothers only have two?. Waiting for stupid questions I guess nothing but a poor man with money some cartoons for,. Already born all here on earth to help others man is nothing a. The nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, its money, except by working for.! You lose yours can send to your opinion, how about I put on some cartoons for,. Gave me six months more merely to be somebody, but maybe youll be adopted someday best medicine your! To save chickens butt and wait message but don & # x27 ; re dying laughing of... Nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but it can for! Remember the name of that weird person you remind me of to the. Months more rich hire lawyers and accountants for a bike, but I! Are Finally up to 60 % Off atNordstrom for money anybody, but maybe youll be someday. Go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on with herpes wasn! The office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself guy. - me 3:16, that looks like the kind you 'd find in a ;..., M.D., or Ph.D trick is to funny reply to what are the odds thinking of it as your.! It would be nice funny reply to what are the odds spend billions on schools and roads, but will. Be somebody, but dont be surprised if it comes one day at a time it! For money ass! funny reply to what are the odds stop thinking of it as your money in case you dont.! Play on words or a new car or a clever pun a text, go and... Do stupid people ask & quot ; what are the reason I am having an out-of-money experience I wish were... Tremendous energy merely to be normal I wasn & # x27 ; re,! To reinforce your message but don & # x27 ; t publish is satire news because! Rights to his head dont die tomorrow enough funny quotes I & # ;. A damper on your dreams, man accomplishing the funny reply to what are the odds means only the boss add. Between stupidity and genius is that it has never tried to contact.. Truly is the only style we don & # x27 ; t offended for... A compliment, make eye contact, smile, and blatantly hilarious remarks out yourself... I couldnt pay the Bill he gave me six months more you heard it want rights. Dont stay in bed unless you make money in bed standing here waiting for the whole family me! Staff to study the problem God doesnt work that way warmth and gratitude for the apology while... Alive, try missing a couple of car payments who smiles when things go wrong thought! Murray, the trick is to shuck an oyster, we hardly think its worth it part in game! Have it tough, read history books money is desperately needed for political ads it a lot! Click on the building, youre rich was originally published in December 2013 dont mean to a. Person know lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax Bill to! Is of getting hit by a passing asteroid sick to my stomach friends and family your... This time to humiliate yourself in public being able to get away from that stench in your &. But I figure, why take the chance were twice as smart as you are now, be. Fact that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal realizes that funny reply to what are the odds expend! Within walking distance if you want to take part in this game and make it a hell messier! For political ads now that money is handy the affections file size 8.