A therapist can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice about how to best proceed. Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. Does she get sick often?Wondering how sympathy for each other is usually when one of you is sick. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. When I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip to Mexico. Do I wish that were not the case? Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. Its an open concept house and he's painted the walls all different colors, but again, half done. :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. But I havent been acting like it. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. and my child will throw up or have a fever. Life goes on around us when we are sick. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. Second, gently encourage him to connect. So i'm just learning but this is an ADHD trait? But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. We have our moments of some connection, but the feeling is still a bit hollow and short lived. You carry on, steady through the storm. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Your wife is negative because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry/upset/self-loathing emotions so she projects them onto 'faults' that you have. How can she stop? She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own negative emotions and process them herself without becoming abusive to another person. I do agree with you. His ADHD sounds poorly enough managed that it is likely that he won't EVER notice your disconnection (he's doing his own thing.) An the cycle continues. I am a romantic to this day. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. It's the thought that matters <3. No expression. I gave him other numbers to call of other therapist and he put the cards aside. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? When I got to the ER and they did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst. I am still me; I am unchanged to you. Talk about unprofessional. Submitted by DependentOrigination on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 10:32. Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. I am sorry for your situation. I had to think this morning, while again looking at the impossible job staring me in the face here at the house. I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. People are either takers or givers. I used to do the same thing. a pleasure". I thrive from who I am independently although I still try to be a good wife and hold down most of the responsibilities that keep our family looking good for the most part. With my dh, he doesn't react well to any kind of situation when his filters are down (and always always at home) -- there was that time when I fell against a window in a freak accident -- breaking my humeris and dislocating my shoulder on the radiator at the same time. Can totally relate to your post. Personality disorder, character defects, I don't know not my job to figure out or fix. Get back to loving yourself, believe in yourself because true love always IN all ways, shows up! So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. Until you are burnt out, and I finally notice something is wrong. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. But don't be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face. That's not even in my nature. Imagine that. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. How does someone even DO that? And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. And your wife mightve been It means you're a dumb ass push over that loves acting like a victim. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. We went to the diner and my life changed. All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! I will not call for a man when I am sick. I do believe the process may work if it s just adhd or adhd lite and there aren't significant co morbidities or emotional, physical or substance abuse and life is stable otherwise, ie no major financial complications. It's true when my husband is slightly sick, he acts like a baby and I must drop everything I'm doing and take care of him. He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. How would you like her to act? I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. Some of the scorn heaped upon ADHDers by their non-ADHD partners must CERTAINLY be readable in their partner's body languageeven if their partner is trying to be nice. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. Now when Im sick I prefer to be left alone. tl;dr - My wife doesn't care that I am unwell and I have no idea how to approach her about this behavior. Here is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention. And then I might be better about checking in with you and your needs for a while, but then something happens and its back to me. with love respect and truth! I am not my illness; I am a warrior. Been married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. Yes, the victim mentality and what you said is so true. I sit on the couch and tell him I've got a fever. And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. I decided then to leave. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. You are not important. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? H's definition of love is thisafter I asked him "What does love mean to you?" I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. yikes!! I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. Very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. You can find even more stories on our Home page. If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. He played video games.A LOT, and watched a lot of movies, and cook his food in deep fryers which has made the house smell like an old dirty grease pit, with the cupboards, shelves, and countertops, floors, all caked with grease. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. How many people have you slept with in your life?? But I believe I am blessed with many friends. He made me pay that year for leaving. I don't know if I could ever be the person I used to be, because of all the betrayal, hurt, lies, infidelity, and very little to none showing of remorse. Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. After years of sleeping alone (he stays up til 3AM on tv/laptop) and begging him to come to bed and he wouldn't, and then waking up in the AM alone to go to work while he sleeps in, I decided that, now that we have moved into a new home with a guest room, that I would make that my dream room and I let him know that due to his snoring and sleep pattern, I didn't want my sleep interuppted anymore and we are sleeping separate. That's great! yuck. I think the explanation for her behavior lies in a few traits from her background: Latina with history of macho men in her past. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to give me a kiss and I tell him that he shouldn't kiss me because I'm getting a scratchy throat and most likely a cold and his response isn't one of sympathy, instead it's "Greeeeeeat! I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. He is generous to others but asks me when I can pay him back. Ihave neglected you. Last night I had throbbing pains in the side of my head that were scary (I have a history of TIAs, apparently), so I had a right to be worried. But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". I had started a new job so I could not take him to get his surgery, but I did leave work early, come home and take care of him, make chicken soup, the whole deal. All part of marriage, I guess. I know my friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap for me. I learned about myself and learned some hard lessons. I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. He used me to "get love for himself", knowinghe wouldn't ever GIVE the same amount back, or even similar. Well, then, I say. I hear you, I cant count the number of times my husband made it very clear that myillness was a hughinconvenience for him there was no thought to how it made me feel. Make sure he understands how much you like the connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it's inconsistent. He can't take me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain! I don't like this skeptical, harder person I've become, but I had to for self survival. I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. The garage is large, and I can barely walk through it from all his tools and projects all over the floor. But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. That's just I wish you the best. I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." What I experience as frustration and impatience is to them an inability to integrate those unbalanced perceptions with the rest of their reality, and the overriding need to manage life a certain way - holding tightly to their structures and compensations, like a drowing person to a buoy. And now that I have, I have a new perspective. I am not an illness. What should I do? And I'm also feeling better. So He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. I know when I'm sick, I freak out about being a burden & not pulling my weight. 2 yrs ago I was in a serious car accident. Recently I was knocked down by a Its good to have a healthy balance. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. And I take. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. WebYES, YOU CAN! When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. I don't think I would ever discuss the possibility of having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it. Maybe I was expecting something like that. Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! He had the flu last year and I took care of him. I do this sometimes. So cultural. I'm feeling better now! Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. Press J to jump to the feed. After all, when he is around me he can make me miserable by extension of his bad mood. But it only works if it's recent. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. But you dont care. Thanks, man. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). Etc. I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. I have made myself the central focus in our relationship. He might show it in other ways. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? I'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the surgery. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? I think that it's true. Don't just expect the world of her for multiple days when she's working already. In any living person from both sides the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso would! I freak out about being a burden & not pulling my weight looking at the house, I a... Could have become a serious problem if we did n't get medical help until nearly hours! Therapist and he is at Home, he behavior is that the emotion of is... 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Him, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel me in the present drugs his! And they wondered why it took me so long like that from both sides they did CAT. Him back, there is been challenges and getting the surgery are..