I have suffered with BPD since I was 11, I didn't get help until I was 34. Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, refusing them will have impact how our site functions. It will help many (like me) who haven't put all these beautiful words and explanations together in such a succinct and informative way.You should be very proud of this as you have quite a command of BPD and how to present it in a respectful and honest manner. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. My heart breaks every day for them. Maybe he'll come back to me. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! Ironic though since it was my family putting me through hell for years that caused me to develop BPD. Ask questions. Its not your fault. Encourage self-care. I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. I don't see what that has to do with anything. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. We are not mental health professionals nor clinicians. I attended the Women's Treatment Program at the Hill Center, which is a Partial Hospitalization program focused on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a therapeutic model designed to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, but also proven effective for Major Depressive Disorder, Bi-Polar, and various Anxiety . However, it isn't helpful for their children in the same way. , I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. She's 30 years old. You know what, I wouldn't have been able to write it 6 years ago. And most importantly, maybe I had a chance to get better. I would try to calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I won't give up on him. I have learned with time and education on my part that her pain is not my fault and it is not my responsiblity to fix. This is called dissociation. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. Borderline Personality Disorder: Is there hope? I myself work in the mental health field and see her mental health declining. Anyway, other programs in the area (I was without work for awhile) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues. I am grateful for this letter. Aww *hugs* what an insightful post! I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. Personal trainer. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. I have only receintly learned of BDP when searching for answers to why my relationship was not able to progress. I truly appreciate what you said. I have been inspired by people here and I want to share my experiences with everyone as well! Debbie, what a brilliant letter! I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. Dear people, I have a professional translation of the letter in Dutch. People with BPD can experience severe mood swings,. You are not the cause of our suffering. Ive not recovered fully from this. Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the "BPD" partner (as described in #4). This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. Thank you so much for your honesty and strength. , There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. I now am 49 and still have anger issues with myself but no selfharming. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you dont give up. I pray every night for God to help meI would love some direction and support Thank You. I no longer do the things I used to do. Hope can be returned. It's like you're a baby learning everything all over again. I am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality. The relationship is different, the experiences are different, and the harm caused is different. Part of that process is for the parents to submit to therapy as well. Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. . i was wondering if you could answer something for me though. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. , Oh Debbie, once again, you have kept it real. Brea, it can be really difficult when financials are suffering, but there are many people out there self-teaching the skills until such a time that they can afford to go to groups or individual DBT. Its difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you dont have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you. Huge hugs! This is my second year in DBT. I was petrified of losing you; the intensity of my emotions, the world and the endless possibilities absolutely petrified me. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. That some people really are willing and even eager to help, and that makes me smile every damn time. All we can do is pray at this point. it gives me so much understanding and hope for my relationship. The mind is very complex. Thank you. Leaving university during the recession, where there were no jobs in my chosen field, was a pretty anxious time. Every single time you pick me back up when I'm shattered into pieces on the floor. Win a copy of my new book, Stronger Than BPD! I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. Now go for it!! Not someone with questionable actions in their past. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. I am sorry I was selfish. I don't know what to do anymore. About 1.7% of American adults have BPD in any given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. You are likely to see this behavior from someone with BPD and unlikely to see it from someone with NPD. So thank you. I knew I had been depressed earlier but nothing major to me. I did get committed here. She is educated and successful, and to all the other people in her life, except for close family, she seems confident and put together. I wish you strength and hope as you do this work, and please always remember to also take care of YOU. It's kind of just an awesome miracle that I've come as far as I have. My friend is having a sense of impending doom. I wish you all the best. The disregard/disbelief. I have been diagnosed with other things except for this. What loved ones may not realize though . As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me.how very helpful! 4. My heart breaks each time. Debbie. Wow is all I can say!!! Even in this letter, she puts me on a pedestal and subsequently knocks me off it. My mother has informed herself about bpd, so that she can give me the support I need in a way that I can accept it. From 1947 to 1965, the state was known as the Romanian People's Republic (Republica Popular Romn, RPR).The country was an Eastern Bloc state and a member of the Warsaw Pact with a dominant role for the . Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness. My fiance has BPD. None. I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. You sound like the type of person who deserves as much love and acceptance as you give out x x x Reply freewillg Additional comment actions I think all the time, but, what DO I DO?! But now that i know i have BPD and i know what it means I feel like I will eventually have control over it. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims. Thank you so much for this letter. Australian BPD Foundation. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. Thank you for being who you are. However, your information, resources and support are consistent, real, accurate and like the comfort of a warm blanket on a cold night. I have to also find a doctor. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didnt feel safe, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. People with this type of BPD may appear: Charismatic Energetic Elusive or detached Flirtatious Engaging or motivating Some example behaviors include: 1 I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. I am sorry I didn't get help. Doing a lot of reading keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. I would never fall inlove and start a family. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. One moment you might feel as though you love. He will say that he knows that I love him but he isn't sure if he loves me and that he might be the one who'll give up. For example, a male with BPD may engage in frequent binge drinking of. I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group.How do you feel about that? So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine. I thank higher powers for not leaving life. . People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) struggle to understand how wives, husbands, friends, and other family members experience their intense reactions, mood swings, and risky behavior. I just love this letter. My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. Help your loved one through their BPD. I've had many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. Seventy-five percent of those diagnosed with BPD are women in their child bearing age (Lamont, 2006). Harder than bringing up 4 kids and being away from them for long periods. I'm in a therapeutic community in the UK which is really helping, it's 3 days a week. It helped with a lot of other symptoms. Debbie, Hi Andrea you are very welcome. a pattern of tumultuous relationships with friends, family and loved ones. I hope we can be friends in time and partners in raising our son. I know it always comes out wrong. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we dont have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways. I was in denial until 27 years old. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPDit wasn't. An open letter to the children of a BPD parent should simply say, "I am so very sorry for hurting you. She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. Hi Debbie, I certainly appreciate your open letter. It's thought. ~ Dave M. This comment has been removed by the author. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder. I'd be honored if you shared it with your DBT Group and therapist (and your family!). I dont know how to start this little note of mineSigh.. Debbie, Hi Damask thank you so much for taking the time to write such a beautiful comment. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? I dont want to live without her but it is hard to live with her if there is not some hope of improvement at her hipersensitivity, overreactions, constant blame and white and black thinking. I like this letter. This is the hardest thing of all for me to overcome. Caring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. My late father could've been suffering from BPD without knowing it till the day he died, he was a dream dad at times and abusive at times. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. It is possible that something that you said or did triggered us. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too. My wife says she is learning a lot but she is still barking orders and yelling and telling me I am not doing things right on her behalf. 1. Keep up all the good work here! , You are a brave and kind man. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help. On the resources page of. 7. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it. There is no one in this area who practices DBT. The one thing I would add is that people with BPD need to recognize that no matter the rationale for their actions, they do hurt people, and hurt people have a right to their feelings as much as people with BPD have a right to their own feelings. My ex has BDP. If you want a copy email me: dutch.christine@gmail.com. Debbie,I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty and compassion. A Letter From a Woman with BPD I got an email from a woman with BPD. We may request cookies to be set on your device. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear. I could never blame them for not wanting to be around me, but this all left and leaves me with absolutely no support system. Their moods are so intense that they interfere with everyday life. I want to get help, but I know we have no money. BPD, Trauma, and WHY the f*#k did I just say that?! I got my diagnosis when i was 18. Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT. As you note, they benefit from the mystery around BPD bc they can more easily confuse people, induce sympathy and get people to excuse their abuse etc. Click to enable/disable essential site cookies. You sound like a good and strong person with a huge heart. Arlington, VA 22203, NAMI Required Disclosures For Written Solicitations. Ive read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. You carried on with our children, with your job, with our house and you dragged it all with you like Wonder Woman. A lover, a friend, a parent or sibling, and a coworker all have the privilege of having a frame of reference to place the borderline in. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. Punishment And Revenge. 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